Hallmark Offered to Produce Lesbian Holiday Movie If Lesbian Characters Quickly Killed Off

KANSAS CITY, MO— Hulu made history this week when it released “Happiest Season,” a lesbian Christmas movie starring queer icon Kristen Stewart and directed by Clea Duvall. But in a recent press release, The Hallmark Channel announced that it had actually been set to produce the watershed film – provided that the lesbian characters both died early in the plot.


“We are committed to representation in our holiday films,” Hallmark Channel CEO Wonya Lucas explained, acknowledging the network’s debacle last year over a yanked commercial featuring a lesbian wedding. “But the idea of lesbians living happily ever after was frankly disgusting, and we felt it best that a happy lesbian holiday movie should end with a happy husband and wife.”


In an early Hallmark draft, the film follows Abby and Harper, a happy and beautiful lesbian couple. Though the orphaned Abby detests Christmas, Harper convinces her to spend the holiday at her family’s home, without admitting that she’s still in the closet. As they drive through charming, snow-dusted streets, Abby blissfully unaware of what awaits her at Harper’s family home, the car is T-boned by a garbage truck and both women are instantly killed.


The rest of the plot follows Harper’s high school ex-boyfriend, Connor, on a relentless quest for justice to avenge his beloved, working closely with a beautiful claims attorney who loses the settlement but ultimately wins his heart. Director Clea Duvall was rumored to have had numerous complaints with this early draft, largely due to the entire draft. “What the actual motherfucking fuck,” is all Duvall offered when asked.


The Hallmark agreement fell apart, leading to a Hulu production instead. Hallmark, however, announced that it is already in production for next year’s lesbian holiday movie. “Sweet Christmas” will feature Emma and Delilah, a small-town candy store owner and a big city chef, who find love during a televised bake-off but are both crushed to death by a falling refrigerator, leaving two minor bake-off contestants, Blake and Amelia, to rescue the competition and create the perfect recipe for true holiday love. 

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