Have you ever looked around at an extended family gathering and noticed there was no gay cousin to be accounted for? Well, are you angry? Just, like, generally? Do you pregame family functions? Have you ever made an effort to connect to your family on an emotional level? Well hey there, girl! You just might be the gay cousin!
1. What do you wear to a family function?
A. A conservative dress.
B. Skinny jeans and my super cute fitted sports jersey! I can’t wait to talk about sports with the fam!
C. I dress like Harry Styles as a form of rebellion. My outfit says… “ask me. I dare you.”
2. At a family wedding, what are your uncles whispering about you?
A. “Wow, what a smart girl. I’m so proud of how hard she’s worked in school.”
B. “She’s so interesting and complex!”
C. *deafening silence*
3. What do you talk about with your cousins?
A. Whatever! School, work, relationships, etc. We’re super close.
B. We gossip about which cousin we think might be gay.
C. Nothing. Who are these people and why are the hell are they involved in Greek life?
4. How do you feel when your grandparents call you?
A. Happy! I can’t wait to catch up with my Meemaw and Peepaw.
B. A little bit sad since I know they’re already elderly and aging rapidly, but my heart is warm at their effort to reach out.
C. LOL my grandparents haven’t called me since 2010!
5. When you’re at a family meal, you eat…
A. Everything my family is eating! Aunty Brenda worked so hard on the tater tot hot dish!
B. Everything, plus I bring my own dish to share! Love you Brenda!
C. NOTHING. I’M VEGAN. FUCK YOU, BRENDA. THINK ABOUT THE COWS!!!!!
6. What does your family say when you introduce them to your significant other?
A. It’s so nice to finally meet you. We’ve heard so much about you.
B. What a pleasure! You really are just as good looking as our lovely daughter described you. We’re so glad you’ve found each other.
C. Oh! You must be the roommate. Or are you just friends? Anyway, did you hear Ronald and Ashlynn got engaged?!
7. What question would your family most likely ask you about your relationship?
A. Any vacations coming up?
B. When are you gonna tie the knot?
C. *leans in* So… which one of you, is like, the man? And which one is… the woman?
SCORE BREAK DOWN:
If you got mostly A’s…
You’re not the gay cousin! You’re as straight as your uncle Steve pretends he is, and as straight as your aunt Dina really is (except that one time at a music festival in ‘79).
Mostly Bs …
You’re definitely not the gay cousin! You enjoy bonding with your lovely, seemingly accepting family over a cold beer and a game of sports. Just keep your eye out for that one cousin that definitely is queer, and be an ally by getting drunk and gossiping with them.
Congratulations, you’re the gay cousin! We know it can be rough out there, being the only one with a funky haircut, good taste in movies or knowledge of basic politics, but we know you’ll make it. Once you realize that everyone’s families are completely f**ked, you can sit back and enjoy those free home-baked treats. Even though you didn’t ask for it, it’s your job to pave the way for future generations of LGBTQ+ family members by being unapologetically you talking loudly about Drag Race.