First Circuit Party After Quarantine Announces “Flattering Sweater” Theme

A WAREHOUSE— As American cities prepare to fully re-open, homosexuals are eager to crawl out into the sun and then immediately back into a dark pit of slimy bodies. Circuit Parties are expected to make their triumphant return this year, but after months of quarantine and sourdough starters, some attendees might not have the bulging muscles and tiny waists that gave them intrinsic worth back in 2019. Pudgy twunks needn’t fret, however! Organizers of the first post-pandemic indoor rave in New York City have just announced a “flattering sweater” theme for their event! 


“To be clear, this sweater theme is not an attempt to make this a welcoming environment.” said Event Planner Cy Porter, “We don’t want people to look fat, but you should still feel shame no matter what your body looks like. That’s part of the fun, you know?” 


Ravers have been hit especially hard by the pandemic, with almost no opportunities for dancing-that-becomes-sex-and-then-just-a-messy-hug in well over a year. But circuit parties also have reputations as toxic nightmare-discos, where molly-addled white gays on steroids blindly writhe in a swamp of body dysmorphia and santal 33. And it’s exactly that vibe organizers are hoping to replicate in this post-Covid world!


Acknowledging that “times have been tough,” and “at-home gym equipment is so expensive,” DJ Roger Dank announced that his event “Swimming In Sweaters” will encourage gays to come back to the dance floor, even if they’ve become disgusting. “Obviously seeing normal, human bodies at a rave would be a total boner-killer,” said Dank, “we think this shame-based theme is the perfect solution!”


Indeed, brain dead tech/finance/consultant hunks from all over will be relieved to hear that additional toxic elements are being added to the sweater rave to make it feel like parties of yore. Signs will be hung throughout the warehouse instructing hot people to “glower,” and paid actors are being brought in to wander through crowds of dancers and say vaguely racist stuff a little too loud. 


Will sweaters bring the gays back to the dance floor? And will the event be Covid safe? DJ Dank seems to think so, noting “Just don’t cough down anyone’s throat too hard.” 

Body & Self-Care, Highlight, Huge News, Out & Proud, Thriving