The First Openly Gay Male US Governor Shouldn’t Matter Because He Isn’t Hot

Jared Polis has achieved what at times seemed impossible-he’s an out gay Governor, and the first in the US. Now that he’s reached a new height in politics, he’s opened the door for other groups to get a seat at the table. But there may be one accomplishment that remains out of reach—getting LGBTQ+ folks to give a shit despite his stiflingly ordinary looks.


Though many were reluctant to admit it, one factor in Polis’ low brand recognition is quite shallow: objectively, he cannot get it. “He’s…well…he’s not like, swipeable,” said Connor Brent, a local bartender. “He looks like the owner of the restaurant I work at-wait, is he? Is that why you’re asking?”


Multiple gays declined to comment for this article, citing an utter lack of knowledge about who Jared Polis is exactly. In a survey conducted among young people in the area, 23% guessed that he was ‘a contestant on the 149th season of Survivor’ and 36% assumed he was ‘one of the counselors at my childhood summer camp’. The remaining respondents accidentally read over the survey administrator’s shoulder, then half-correctly guessed he was ‘the first out gay man on the PGA golf tour.’


One local man, Ricky Esposito, DID successfully identify Jared Polis, but confessed that he couldn’t quite endorse him due to his straight up blah da blah features. “I get that he’s very accomplished despite being named Jared. But I wouldn’t, say, watch him smoke a cigarette like I would watch Obama. I wouldn’t eat ice cream with him like I’d eat ice cream with Beto.” Esposito paused to take a long slow drag on his mango flavored Juul pod, tugging gently at his deep v-neck shirt. “I def wouldn’t drink a beer with him. He looks like beer gives him gas. But in terms of political views I agree with him 1000%. I just wouldn’t follow him on Twitter, THAT’S for sure.”


What does this mean for Polis’ political future? It’s difficult to say. While he’ll have the opportunity to introduce and enact key legislation as Governor of Colorado, recognition on the national stage can be a key factor in advancing gay rights. If some of the people interviewed in this article were to move out of Brooklyn, establish residency in Colorado, register to vote, and make it to the polls at the right time, they could cement Polis’ legacy for years to come. The possibilities are still endless-as long as he can overcome his milquetoast everyday looks.


One thing seems clear—local gays are primed to support Polis’ agenda. “Oh wow, he was on the Congressional Cannabis Caucus?” asked Brent. “I don’t fully know what that means. But that’s Hot.”

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