New ‘Elder Scrolls’ Update Finally Lets You Experience the Anxiety of PDA With Your Same-Sex Partner

BETHESDA, MD — Bethesda Softworks made history today with their announcement that a future The Elder Scrolls Online content update will make the MMORPG even more reflective of our society. 


The update, aptly titled Reignbow Panic, allows players to experience a chilling side effect of being gay in the real world. Despite already being allowed to marry the same sex within the game, the update turns the realm of Tamriel into a toxic hellhole for same-sex couples. It is slated for release in June 2020, just in time for Pride Month. 


When players choose to hold hands or kiss their romantic companion, a prompt forces the player to constantly mash the D-Pad while still interacting with the in-game world. If a player stops, their character collapses under the weight of their anxiety and they die.


Lead game designer, Nick Konkle said, “We at Bethesda Softworks want our players to experience the cutting edge of gaming. We’ve long championed authentic representation and this is just one step forward for our LGBTQ+ players.”


Players also get to experience authentic auditory hallucinations while engaged in any PDA. Intermittent shouts of “faggots” and “queers” can be heard, but it’s up to the player to decide whether they’re cheers of encouragement from a well-meaning wood elf or a homophobic dragon eager to burn them to a crisp. 


New side quests will require that your character resolve arguments with their partner at the local mead hall for acting weird while kissing or refusing to hold their hand during a catacomb raid. 


Although the Elder Scrolls universe has never shown violence toward its queer characters before, the update introduces the ability for non-playable characters (NPCs) and non-queer characters (NQCs) to leer, snicker, and even shoot arrows to the knees of your character for displaying any sign of being queer.  


The announcement has resulted in passionate responses from Reddit’s r/ElderScrolls community.  


Redditor swizzelstix54 is looking forward to streaming himself on Twitch while playing the update. “This shit’s insane. I see myself rage quitting over how hard this will be, but the terrible truth is gay folks don’t get to rage quit IRL. So illuminating.” 


While this is an update almost no one asked for, there is still no official response to the plethora of pleas for players to be allowed to marry Khajiit, the anthropomorphic feline race in the game. 

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