ATLANTA, GA—An anonymous suburban man and lifetime member of the closeted male support group called Compulsory Heterosexual Unloving Marriages (CHUMs for short), recently went public with his tragic experience during the coronavirus pandemic—being forced to spend all of his time with his adoring wife and children
“Coronavirus ruined my life,” said the man known as “DL Bi Married” on Grindr, who has reportedly not had an anonymous blowjob at a public park since being quarantined with his wife of twenty years and two beautiful children. “I used to edge all day. Now I’m on edge all day,” he said. “It’s not like I don’t love them. We just have nothing in common, and it would devastate them to know about this essential part of my life.”
Before COVID-19 hit, they were just like any other family. They spent so little time together that it was easy for the patriarch to forget that they existed while he lived out his filthiest and most depraved fantasies while cruising for men. Now, he spends so much time with his kids that he’s beginning to understand the nuances of their personalities—horrifying.
The man has been having a difficult time adjusting to his new waking nightmare. His wife recalled a specific instance in which the family wanted to watch Top Chef, and he left the room in a rage, slamming the door to his office behind him and not leaving for the rest of the night. Of course, his wife knew deep down that it was because he had a lot of work to do.
“He’s such a workaholic. He used to not come home until 10:00 or later every night. Now he’s at home but he’s glued to his phone! I hear the app he’s using for work going off constantly!” The wife joked, demonstrating the sound of a Grindr notification while sipping from a wine glass with “On Cloud Wine” printed across it.
When asked about all of the lasting memories they’ve been making with their father during quarantine, the children had this to say: “We love getting to play with Daddy, but he’s been acting a little strange. We were playing at the park, and while he was pushing me on the swings, I said, ‘Harder, Daddy!’ and he started crying.”
The father reported that the other CHUMs are all going through the same thing, and he is just the first one to speak out about it. Their shared hope for the future is clear—all they want is for things to go back to being safe enough to hook up with masked strangers in public and sometimes actually go bowling.