SCRANTON, PA— Authorities were relieved, but not exactly stunned, if you know what we mean, to find missing 8-year-old Carlson Phillips lingering by the men’s briefs rack in the Lackawanna County Target on Tuesday evening.
“I just like ‘em,” he said, speaking mostly to the ground. When pressed on the issue, he sort of laced both his hands together and started, like, twisting his arms while burying his chin into his chest and smiling or something? Crying? Laughing?
Fluorescent lights and a tall gray wall with little slits in it so you can hang what are basically dime bags of cotton and cock. This is the setting for what turned out to be one mother’s nightmare: The Men’s Underwear Wall. A notoriously secluded area nestled on one side of a universally-accepted gender barrier set apart from the dozen racks of bras free-soloing on white, plastic hangers; The Wall is a department store staple.
While looking for her rewards card, the boy’s mother, Tanya Carter-Phillips, noticed he was missing. “I thought he might be in the café, watching the hot dogs turn on the rollers,” she said. Not finding him there, panic (or is it anger? A gentle frustration. A long sighhhh) set in.
“I’d love to say it was ‘mother’s intuition,’ but it’s just that I usually see him at The Wall and then find him while he’s walking the other way, pretending he wasn’t there.”
Indeed, Carlson was found just five feet from The Wall, allegedly browsing the various Valentine’s Day mixes on that aisle endcap thing with all the different CDs.
“I’ve written several letters to the underwear companies…just about their branding,” continued Tanya. “We’re an accepting family, but Carlson is still only eight, so…”
When reached for comment, progenitor of the provocative packaging Herman Galicky had this to say.
“Listen, no one’s boycotting Jimmy Dean cause he’s got juicy sausage on his packing, okay? Everyone who purchases our underwear, whether for their own penis or someone else’s, has it somewhere in their mind that this will make them finally able to suck on their own fat, uncut veiny monster dick and spill some cum in those gutters, capiche? If that means I’m making everyone a little gay, well then I can die happy.”
Reunited, a strained-but-smiling Tanya, seemed calm. “Carlson is always wandering off. Usually to The Wall. Or the occult section of a Barnes and Noble. He’s been really into Charmed lately.”