Nation’s Bottoms Brace For Gradual Reopening

WASHINGTON, DC—As regional responses to the COVID-19 pandemic remain fractured, it is clear that there will not be a coordinated national response as to how and when bottoms should re-open. After the sudden, months-long tightening that bottoms experienced this spring, they are cautiously preparing to begin multi-phase reopening plans.


“The first challenge is the need for a coordinated response,” Brian McCal, a spokesperson for the bottoms of the nation explained. “Before going too far, we need to synchronize efforts with the nation’s tops, but they’re not responding to our DMs right now.” Without a cohesive response, McCal and the rest of the nation’s bottoms worry that reopening too soon would require another painful tightening process. “What we absolutely want to avoid is to begin to loosen up and then have to suddenly close because of unfavorable external factors. This would cause much more hurt than good in the long run.”


In lieu of the federal government taking responsibility for coordinated action, the nation’s bottoms aren’t taking this sitting down. Based on national statistics, bottoms are preparing for a multi-phased reopening beginning. After months of relying on apps for remote satisfaction, bottoms will be permitted to engage in outdoor activities in groups of 10 or fewer, if trends remain favorable. Finally, in the last step before a full reopening, bottoms can be eaten out but at 50% capacity. The nation’s bottoms believe having a multiphase plan will ease the pain that comes with reopening.


While effective treatment for COVID-19 remains nebulous, the nation’s bottoms are hopeful that a class of chemicals called alkyl nitrite—commonly known as “poppers”—will aid in their reopening plans. While there is no evidence that poppers are effective against COVID-19, bottoms are nonetheless stockpiling the chemical in order to aid in relaxation efforts. “This chemical has historically been used by bottoms to open up and we’re hopeful that it will continue to be effective,” said McCal.


The nation’s bottoms are optimistic that they can be flexible in their return to some semblance of normalcy. “Partially due to the disruption in food supplies, we’ve advised the nation’s bottoms to switch to a plant-based, high fiber diet to be adaptive to the current situation,” said McCal, who remains hopeful that bottoms will be cleared up in order to fully cleanse for Fleet week which typically happens in early Autumn.


Speaking on behalf of bottoms everywhere, McCal was undeterred: “We will persevere, we’re not ready to give up on our way of life yet.” When the nation’s tops were asked about what they planned to do for the reopenings, they collectively shrugged and said, “Maybe a shower?”

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