BOSTON, MA— During her campaign, Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren garnered renown for her detailed plans covering everything from student debt relief to government corruption. However, the LGBTQ+ community will especially mourn her last big plan to help every American navigate all the moving parts of your open relationship, which she released shortly before her announcement to suspend her primary campaign.
Many American’s were devastated to lose the candidate considered most qualified to help you suck and fuck more people with less drama and hurt feelings. “This was not just a symbolic motion from Elizabeth Warren,” said ethical non-monogamy advocate Dr. Rhonda Bockmann. “This revolutionary plan would have taken every open relationship from the key parties of the 1950s into the twenty first century.”
Since the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage in 2015, queer relationships have been opening up to both fuck buddies and friends with benefits in record numbers. Warren’s plan targeted votes from thousands of couples looking to hold long term partners accountable and make sure thirds pay their fair share of the tapas bill.
Activists immediately praised the plan for prioritizing consent, defining clear boundaries, and offering better tools to best schedule licking and flicking. The final sections of the one hundred sixty-nine page plan serve to educate voters on important terms, including primary relationship, monogamish, serial monogamist, spitroasting, and five dollars off if you wear Andrew Christian.
More controversial segments of Warren’s plan tackled systematic and structural reforms and regulations that promise to raise taxes on the wealthiest Americans to destroy the economic obstacles plaguing your open relationship. The new tax revenue would provide all primary partners and your multiple lovers with access to free medicines like PrEP and Descovy, free STI testing, and a free year of Grindr Xtra.
“My partner and I opened up after six years together and this plan would have made it way easier,” said voter Michael Clarke. “Without it, we just ended up not fucking anyone else, but still not feeling secure enough to break up.”
In typical Warren tradition, the plan covers a wide range of rules and open relationship arrangements. Entire sections are dedicated to couples open to only playing together, only playing separately, and only playing when a partner books a Disney Cruise Line contract for Newsies.
Major critics question why the monogamous Senator is qualified to design a big plan for millions of American open relationships. Some open couples took offense to one section that highlights all of the wrong reasons to be in an open relationship like the lower cost of rent, World Pride in New York City, turning thirty, and simply not liking each other anymore.
“No one would ever pass this plan through Congress,” said Nelson Lust, a former Buttigieg campaign donor. “I don’t want big government telling me I have to get tested more than twice a year! It’s against my rights to ask me to have frank open conversation about my sexual desires with either the government or my partner.”