It’s not always easy to tell if I’m getting the best dicking of my life or if Lizzo’s just giving me life. No one can deny the rising pop icon and radical self-love goddess has changed gay sex forever. Here are three times I credited my climax to Lizzo even though the sex was “Good As Hell.”
I met David at Industry one night. Well, he saw me at Industry. He found me on Grindr as I was leaving and told me to answer my door wearing nothing but my heels.
David knocked, entered my apartment, then entered me. I suddenly remembered I forgot to turn on music—something I promised my roommates I’d do whenever I was having sex in our shared spaces.
“Alexa, play Lizzo!” David turned me on my back, and as I watched my black patent-leather pumps bouncing on his shoulders, I began to have the most intense prostate orgasm of my life. As Lizzo sang, “Walking home and my feet all sore, What the hell these Louboutins for?” I realized it wasn’t that I’d found good dick, it was that I thought Lizzo would be proud of me.
One night in the back fridge at the restaurant where we worked, Juan had me bound and gagged with a wheel of Jarlsberg. Lizzo’s “Truth Hurts” blasted on my iPhone to distract our co-workers. Juan, wearing his chef’s hat and fake mustache, was edging me. As soon as Lizzo sang “Why men great till they gotta be great?” I came so hard that it hit Juan’s stupid chef’s hat right off his head.
“Mon Dieu!” Juan exclaimed. I wish I had the heart to tell him this wasn’t the best sex of my life. Lizzo’s lyrics are just so poetic and that’s the reason I came so hard.
My roommate, Gabe, isn’t gay but appreciates a good circle jerk. One morning before work, we were watching our Michael DelRay’s Just For Fans subscription, when my foot accidentally hit the remote and Lizzo performing “Juice” on Fallon came on the TV. The moment she turned herself into a human discoball I let out an intense moan of pleasure. Gabe turned to me and said “I’ve not been honest. I’m in love with you.” We came together.
The sex is great, but only because of LIzzo’s legendary essence, and now I have a live-in boyf! Thanks, Lizzo!