A Tourist’s Guide to this Gay Bar’s 7 Bespectacled Kevins: DC Edition

Home to America’s power players (and bottoms). People who exemplify high ethics and morals seeking to better the country for all. These wonderful Washingtonians also sure know how to rock a pair of glasses. Don’t let all that greatness freak you out. We’ve got you covered with this guide of the seven bespectacled Kevins you’re bound to run into at every D.C. gay bar.

 

1. Kevin MacDougall

A former Abercrombie model turned city councilman, Kevin can be spotted in a dark corner table getting sensitivity training from his Cheney-esque chief of staff. With a strong jawline accentuated by his Warby Parker Hardy frames, this drool-worthy politico has never before been held accountable for his words, but in his defense it’s because he’s never had to think about them. Perfect for if you have strong, controversial opinions like that Rihanna is better than Beyoncé.

 

2. Kevin Hill

Make your way to the bar for a truly fantastical sight. Surrounded in a cocoon of empty Angry Orchard bottles and heavily panting you’ll find Kevin scribbling notes—but he’s not a writer. No, it’s the #MeToo era, baby, and the golden age to be a crisis manager at a PR firm. He works hard, plays harder, and is drowning in ethical dilemmas as he tries to honeypot his clients’ accusers for dirt to kill their public image. Actually, we’re not sure if he’s really gay, but doesn’t he look sexy agonizing over his life choices in his Warby Parker Hawkins frames?

 

3. Kevin Chan

Kevin can be found brooding against a structural column, but is surprisingly “take home to mom and dad” worthy. He can charm the Andrew Christians off you with a wink from behind his Warby Parker wide fit Percey frames, then suddenly discuss his life’s mission to unearth the truth behind his sister’s disappearance during a hunting trip with the Congressman she was dating.

 

4. Kevin Gomez

He’s serving stunning Matt Damon in The Good Shepherd realness in his Warby Parker Ames frames (a staff pick!). Like Damon in the film this Kevin is balls deep in the C.I.A. and all of its secrets. He’s a delight for the first few drinks, but once he’s liquored up you’ll want to bust out the earplugs as he spouts off state secrets. Let’s just say it’s not a coincidence that all his exes have suffered “heart attacks” at home despite being in perfect health. He’s worth it though. We cannot say whether he gives good waterboard, but let’s just say he’ll take your breath away.

 

5. Kevin Kang

Kevin craves power like a Corbin Fisher model craves feet. He speaks exclusively in House of Cards quotes which gives him a perceived air of sophistication and political savvy complemented by his attention-grabbing two-tone Warby Parker Wilkie frames. With these gifts, it’s no wonder he’s climbing the ladder within the Trump administration! If that’s not a dealbreaker, you’ll be treated with a tour of the Oval Office with an opportunity to recreate every carnal act from presidential history performed there. You can be the 1919 Maryland State Fair prize-winning cucumber to his Woodrow Wilson.

 

6. Kevin Aduogo

As an environmental lawyer, Kevin loves all things green. That same passion led him to choose the Evergreen Tortoise Fade Warby Parker Percey Holiday frames which match his green painted body. Ever wonder what green lipstick looks like on you? Find him in the men’s bathroom, provided it meets LEED Gold standards.

 

7. Kevin Anderson

Kevin doesn’t need a drink to dance, he’s already on the floor. Plus he’s sober. As Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s on-call organ donor, Kevin must take care of his finely-tuned, chiseled body like it’s the judiciary’s final hope. He may have perfect vision, but he loves the way Warby Parker’s Stockton frames draw attention to his deep brown eyes. Just don’t be surprised if he ghosts you—they probably took his last kidney.

 

It’s no surprise that all these upstanding Washingtonians have chosen Warby Parker. Where else can you get gag-worthy frames at an affordable price? And with their newest soul collection program, if you sell your soul to them, you too can become a successful, legendary, and most importantly, bespectacled D.C. Kevin.

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