“Laura, I’m really worried that nothing I’ve done in my life matters as we face the end of the world.” And Laura was just like, “I feel that.” And then we both just stared silently on FaceTime for a long, sad while.
Every year, all the heteros REALLY want for Christmas is for Mariah to sing that one fucking song. Mimi, welcome back into the arms of those who truly love understand you, the elusive chanteuse, the skinniest legend.
“It’s just so complicated,” remarked local father, Jonathan Coates, who understands what such terms as “ADP” and “walk-to-strikeout rate” mean. “Like, ‘they’ is singular now? It just doesn’t seem right. Anyway, some jackass just swiped one of my players. Who do they think they are?”
“In order to stay competitive in the chicken sandwich market, we knew we had to make a change,” said Chick-Fil-A CEO Dan Cathy, “and that’s why we’re proud to do the bare minimum for all you perfectly tolerable queers out there. Please buy our food.”
The only woman I can commit to is the topless pinup of Marge Simpson tattooed on the entire length of my forearm. The idea of “forever” is just so daunting.