As the U.S. continues to bungle its COVID-19 crisis, Satan, the Lord of Darkness, announced a moratorium on American souls entering Hell. “Out of an abundance of caution,” Beelzebub told reporters, “we simply cannot welcome people into eternal damnation who aren’t taking this thing seriously.”
Reports poured in across the country of straight people, having endured months of social isolation, abruptly producing spectacular masterworks of fine art.
Citing that “enough was enough,” Matt Steiner told his roommate that he absolutely needed quarantine to end soon so he could get back to starving himself for the approval of his sexual partners.
Elisabeth Moss claims she’s being hunted by the malevolent, invisible spectre of Sherry Pie, whose real name is Joey Gugliemelli. No evidence has been found to support this beyond the occasional eerie glimpse of a man in an unfortunately stunning runway look.
Americans see openly gay Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg as someone they could sit down and grab a frosty vodka soda with. “He’s seems approachable,” said one survey participant. “I just get the vibe he’s not a beer drinker… if you know what I mean.”