After A Contentious Race, America Crowns Its Loudest Gay: This Goose In A Tiny Wig

LOGO’s hit new competition, SQ-AWK, has come to an end. Hosted by Dan Savage, SQ-AWK set out to find the loudest voice in the room, looking for someone with DICK: Deafness, Ignorance, Condescension, and Kindless. And the winner is…EVERYONE SHUT UP! Kody, the Canada goose who loves a peck almost as much as a prick!

If ever there was a season to win, this was the one. With an all-Caucasian castKody identifies as white and contestants whose voices Time Out described as “If trombones had the range of piccolos,” this season of SQ-AWK was a tight race to the end. From the Nancy Reagan challenge, in which the cast had to explain what they think she did during the AIDS crisis, to the community challenge, in which the contestants had to name even one LGBTQ+ leader, the latter saw the shocking sudden elimination of Brandon, who claimed Cher “was that drag queen who started the Stonewall Riots.”

The series kicked off with a screaming challenge against Billy Eichner, in which contestants had to talk over Mr. Eichner during man-on-the-street interviews. Fans were saddened to see Brad, a favorite during the preseason hype, knocked out after managing to only fit in, “Oh my god, you’re so much taller in person.” Kody came to the front of the pack by chasing Billy down the street while snapping at him, but Bruce took the win after forcing Mr. Eichner to explain his characters on AHS Apocalypse.

And who could forget the unexpected elimination of Bryce? His time ended with the RuPaul challenge: explaining transgender identity to guest judge RuPaul Charles. In a nail-biting elimination, it was down to former frontrunner Brycewho suggested that they could ask an actual trans person instead of a cismanand (future winner) Kody, who landed in the bottom for being repetitive with his catchphrase, “Hernk!” But in the end, it was Bryce who flew the coop. He didn’t take his exit well. “I can’t believe I lost to some small town goose. Oh well, just wait until Thanksgiving,” he tweeted, apparently mistaking Kody for a turkey.

But the biggest twist by far was the reveal that contestant Kody was not just an elegant twink, but in fact fully a goose dressed in a tiny wig and a little suit. In the episode “Fly (in a V formation),” Kody won the main challenge“yell about a personal secret during someone else’s birthday party”by coming out as a goose. It was a wig reveal to rival Roxxxy Andrews, beating out contestant Brayton’s admission that he never actually went to NYU Tisch, but squatted in the dorms by sleeping with various students. “I just couldn’t talk over Kody, no matter how much of father’s money I threw at him. I wish I was as obnoxious as that goose,” Brayton said before retreating to his family’s estate in Martha’s Vineyard.

It ultimately all came down to the final round: Make the least intelligible argument for gay rights. Runner-up Brantlee’s thesis—“Gay people would have rights if they were allowed to vote!”ended up failing against Kody’s case: a minute-long bleat followed by diving headfirst into a pond after some bread.

So congrats, Kody! And if anyone contests you, all we have to say to that is: Hernk!

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