JACOB RIIS PARK, NY—On the first nice Saturday in June, ally forces mounted a full-scale assault on a local queer beach, leaving mass devastation and Coors cans in their wake. It marks the latest invasion in the war on queer spaces as well-meaning straights continue to expand their territory beyond parameters recognized by the U.N.
Jacob Riis Beach in Queens, usually an inviting spot to don a tight speedo and have a fun little “D” day, turned into a nightmarish D-Day this week. Gay forces were repelled back inland to their big hats and custom Lizzo beach towels as the shoreline became a virtual killingfield of airborne footballs and unironic boogie boarding.
“Maybe it wasn’t clear that this part is like for the gays?” said a man lounging in a full mermaid fin. “But like, come on?”
The brave allies seemed completely unaware of any transgression, noting how great it was to live in a diverse city like New York and openly referring to the most recent season of Ru Paul’s Drag Race as “the best one yet!”
Try as they might, the queers were unable to liberate the beach as the allies relentless sea-shelling campaign ravaged the entire waterfront . A squadron of lesbians was even asked to put tops on so a woman’s baby wouldn’t have to see breasts.
“Can we not even have Jacob Riis?!” asked Tiffany González, “This beach is mostly glass and condoms anyway!” González was struck by a rogue frisbee moments after speaking to our field reporter. Her remains have yet to be found.
It was a harsh defeat for the LGBTQ+ community, who figured hanging out by an abandoned mental hospital would be enough for allies to leave them the fuck alone.
At the time of publishing, 20,000 gay men had “expired.” Their own words.