‘It’s Crazy That All Lesbian Movies Are About The Closet,’ Murmurs Closeted Lesbian

JACKSON, MS— Lesbians across the country are once again disappointed that the newest sapphic film to hit screens revolves around the main character being stuck in the closet. Journalists spoke with one such lesbian, on the condition that they tell her family they were The Wall Street Journal.


“It’s possible to make a movie where being gay is not this HUGE THING,” Melissa Cothers told us, lowering her voice so her Republican aunt couldn’t hear. “Even in indie flicks, one of the you-know-who’s is always in the you-know-what.”


When pressed on why depictions of closeted life are such an issue, Melissa reminded us to keep our fucking voices down, before moving into the kitchen to elaborate. 


“The queer experience is vast and varied, so when film after film is about one character refusing to leave the closet, it’s reductive,” said Melissa, taking her arm off her girlfriend’s waist as her grandma entered the room.


“All we ever get is closet plots,” agreed her girlfriend, who asked to be referred to as “C” to protect her identity. “Why can’t a lesbian rom com have the same conflict as a straight rom com–the light challenging of hetero norms and the subsequent break of the masculine ego?”


It was reported that when the Cothers family gently suggested they watch Happiest Season or A New York Christmas Wedding, Melissa panicked and insisted on Love Actually

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